So its been three months...

since we got engaged.

 

We originally talked about getting married September 2013, which I was very excited about until people [who actually now something about wedding planning] started to tell me I was going to have to start making quick decisions.

 

No big deal I hear you say... but making decisions is like physical torture for me.

 

It's not the big decisions about life changing moments that foil me, like who I will spend the rest of my life with [I know Dave is THE ONE, he is my soul mate and my best buddy] its the comparatively little decisions like which dressing table is the perfect solution for that specific space, budget and storage requirements.
 

 

I can't mentally commit to a decision until I have researched all the available alternatives, and satisfied myself that one option, above all others, fits the brief [I am also good a creating impossible briefs].

 

I am sure this mental torture has a lot to do with my training as a designer, where this kind of obsessive diligence pays dividends, but in day to day life it turns supposedly fun decisions in to overwhelming tasks.

 

Knowing the above, I still attempted to see if September 2013 was possible, but I found myself in decision-making paralysis due to the time constraints, so I had a few small break downs [see below] and then packed it in.

 

 

I've had about a month off wedding planning now and I feel rejuvenated and I am now excited again.

 

The turning point was that Dave and I stopped into a jewellers last weekend, just for fun, to look at wedding rings... and now I just want that ring and to be Mrs G as soon as possible.

 

A little break from all the hype and genuinely well meant advice from friends and family, and a bit of time alone with my fella made it crystal clear to me that all that matters is that I end up Mrs G... so now that is all I am planning.

 

I'll keep you posted...

Another stark realisation

I just got off the phone with my mum and my stomach is in knots... I've realised that I am absolutely terrified.

It was, from my perspective (which isn't always accurate), a decidedly negative phone call in which my mum put a time limit on the opportunity to do the self build project at Wellmead.

She is absolutely right, of course, and I would never want her to put her life or plans on hold for me but this is a familiar feeling and I am once again subject to my mums particular take on tough love...

I have to contact the planning department and see if this project has any hope of realisation

I know that this is her motivational technique (Dave has also been trying to gently and cautiously focus my attention) and I know everything my mum does has my best interests at heart but I have a familiar feeling of dread deep in my stomach which has forced me to confront the issues that I have been suppressing;

I am scared that this opportunity will be over before its begun

I am really worried that my mum isn't totally on board with our plans

I am scared of selling our home and living rough for a year in a static home

I am terrified that I don't have the ability to make a success of the opportunity if planning is granted

I am petrified of ruining a place that our family has shared for 3 generations

I am worried about managing a building contract that represents hundreds of thousand of pound and potential debt for Dave and I

I am scared that I won't be able to get the return on that investment to take care of my family

I am worried that I'll fail and disappoint all those nearest and dearest to me

I'm terrified of ruining a (at times a very difficult) relationship with my mum, who I love to the point of agony.

I'm afriad I have got

THE FEAR!

I think that about sums up my current fears... as you can see I have a lot of work to do to turn these worries into the positive attitude, visualisation and confidence that I need to make this work and I can not approach the planners until I have gained the confidence to be self assured when I do.

I have always had low self confidence... its time to step up to the plate and believe in myself or no one else will.

For today I will just have to take solace in a quote I read today in an email from Dream. Find. Do (the sister website of Florance Finds)

'If your dreams don't scare you they're not big enough'

Michelle from Pocket Full Of Dreams mantra

Thanks to Rebbecca and Michelle for providing me with a bit of hope and inspiration in my current pit of fear. I await the details of the 'Blogging Workshop' with breath that is baited

I am also thankful for the fact that I have my first very satisfied customer in Mrs Victoria Hale- Griffiths aka Sugar Plum Slipper

I happy and excited about my conversation with a very lovely man about enrolling on a City of Guilds Upholstery and French Polishing course to add to my [Your] Place, Your Rules dream. [link coming soon] 

I am also thankful for this blog, which today is better than a therapist.

I think I need a fairly intense session with The Secret

I'll keep you posted x